Fat, Frumpy & Feed Up

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by Rumi · 2 comments

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by Tamatha Burrus
(Salem, MO.)

I Wish I Still Looked Like This

Did I try to lose weight? The question should be how many times have tried and failed to lose weight?? The answer, for as long as I can remember. I am diet-aholic failure. I will honestly say, before I go any further, that the diet(s) did not fail me…I failed them, period. I am a 2-3 week diet binge-r!

Oh yes, I have lost weight on most every diet I have tried since I was 16, but did I keep it off…obviously…NO! What was the cost…gaining more and more weight, dieting more & more often, until the last 10 years I have been on a perpetual “diet” almost monthly!

As of today, I haven’t a clue what my “actual” weight is, as I am afraid to get on the scales. The last diet I tried, a month ago, was the “Atkins,” I weighted 199 lbs. in December 2009. Yes, I did fabulous, actually better than any other so far, for almost 3 weeks!

Tamatha Burrus

Then my menstrual cycle, rewarding myself, and the usually downfalls happened, and I have gained back the 16 lbs. I lost, and probable gained a couple pounds, which is the norm.

Half-Assed: A Weight-Loss Memoir

I will guess I now weigh 200 lbs.+, am 5′ 5″, 42, and female. This last five years I am 60lbs.+ heavier than the average weight I have carried for 15 years before that, which was 140 lbs.

Since 16 years old I have dieted, going from 125 lbs. to 105 lbs. (one time, and the least I have ever weighed, due to a starvation diet). Have spent the years between 18 & 36 going from 125 lbs. to the maximum, one time, of 165 lbs.

I was a yo-yo during this time, going from 125 lbs. to 145 lbs., from 145 lbs to 125 lbs., then around 30 years of age my normal weight was averaging 140 lbs., in my slimmer diet stretches. This is including 3 pregnancies, from the age of 26 to 30 years old.

My climatic turning point was having my 5th and last child at 36. Unlike the other pregnancies, I Did NOT watch what I ate and got to my maximum weight ever, of a 175 lbs. With the other 4 pregnancies I was careful and watchful, gaining anywhere form 15 to 25 lbs.

I did get back to my pre-baby weight, after my 5th & last pregnancy, of 145 lbs., but it did not last.

I steadily gained weight during the following year, till I weighed 180 lbs! I worked as a Manager of a Restaurant, for the record I have worked in the restaurant industry most of my life, so food was available 24/7, which I know was one major factor in my losing of the “Battle of the Middle Aged Bulge.”

In 2008 I finally quit working outside of the home, and began fulfilling my dream of working on the Internet full-time, Marketing & Advertising. So, for the last 2 years I have had a “desk job,” working on my computer for 12 to 18 hours a day, from home.

The modern day Mom, WAHM, in pj’s with no make-up, unless I have to do some errands or shopping! My trip to the job takes 1 minute, from the bed to the computer. I know all the ramifications and implications of the impact this has had on the last 20 lbs.

I have gained and seem unable to find the willpower & determination to lose the 60 lbs I so desperately need to lose, for vanity & obvious health reasons. I went from “The Taz,” as I was labeled by numerous previous employers, because I went at anything I tackled at the speed of lightening! lol

To the blah, do I have to take a shower & find something that fits, other than my work wardrobe of pj’s, sweats, t-shirt, socks, and non-slip footies! Until I started to work from home full-time I would not go out on the front porch or even walk to the mailbox without full scale make-up, my famous bufont hair-do, and an elaborate debate on just which cute outfit I was to wear that day!

I realize some of the contributing factors to my obesity is that when I was younger I ate anything I wanted, anytime I wanted to, and when I wanted to lost the 10-20 lbs. I was carrying, I would do some serious dieting and lost most all of it, only to have it sneak back on me over the next year.

I have never had a regular “exercise” routine. I am, or was, naturally athletically built, so as my family & friends tell it, I carried a little extra weight quit well.

Working in restaurants, I did a lot of stocking & lifting, so my arms had good muscle tone. My legs were muscular from gardening and from running from one end of the restaurant to the other at break neck speed.

I also walked for relaxation, we had a trail on the back side of the property, that went on the backside of the pond. I would walk regularly, by myself, or with my husband & children, on a fairly regular basis. I would usually add my wrist & leg weights for the toning effect.

I have a Tony Little Gazelle, that saw little action, and is now rusting in the shed. It made my feet tingle uncomfortably and was sooo boring and uncomfortable to use.

I have hand weights that I was using for about 8 weeks daily, but which have been collecting dust on my dresser for the past year. I have an ab lounge that my children play on more than I have even considered using it.

I used it for a few weeks or so, but again, it made me dizzy when I used it, all that quick up and down motion made my stomach roll, seriously. I have wrist & leg weights that I used when I was walking the trail regularly last summer, but are sitting with the hand weights collecting dust.

I have a full box of used VCR & DVD’s I bought in individual auctions, off of the Internet, some have never even been put in the VCR-DVD player. I have a HUGE boxful of diet books, pamphlets, just about everyone that has been offered in the last 5 years.

I have tried every diet supplement/pill available from Wal-Marts or the “Free” Trials that have been offered, again over the last five years, on the Internet. I have just about tried every diet drink on the market, including Beach Body, which cost an absolute Fortune!

I have the stretch bands that are suppose to be used with aerobic exercises, that I think I used 3 times. I have an exercise ball and video I actually won in a Better Homes & Gardens Sweepstakes over a year ago.

I have never taken the ball out of the box, because of having an 8 year old and 5 year old in the house, who are rambunctious, and I figure they will pop it within the first few days, if I was to get it out anyway.

I am humiliated, as I read what I have wrote, which I have never done, wrote it down, before now. I kept telling myself and my husband, “If I had this or that I would be able to finally lose this weight!”

I have 5 Super Sized Tubs with clothes, most size 9/10 my “use to be” size, not counting a huge closet full, I have bought over the last 10 years, some of the clothes are new with tags, that I have been unable to wear in the last 5 years!

Yes…I have purchased clothes with the intention of losing weight and being able to wear them! I will rarely buy anything that actually fits, unless absolutely necessary! Then it is usually an oversize T-Shirt on sale, or a pair of super sized spandex yoga pants.

I will only buy them if they are on sale, or used off of the Internet, and mainly in black, gray, or a dark navy blue…how blah!

I am so depressed & feel like such a failure. My husband used to say, “Babe, why are you worried, I will Love You just as much if you weighed 200 lbs.” He now has to say “300 lbs!” I used to think overweight people were just either lazy or gluttons, well…what does that make me now?

At my 2 week checkup at the WIC office, they took a picture of me and my then 2 week old, and 4th child, Maverick, for the breastfeeding wall mural. I looked like I had never even had a child.

The picture I attached to this novel, lol, is me, 8 months pregnant, with the above mentioned child, Maverick, my fourth and next to the last child.

I would attach a current picture, if I could find one. I believe I have been hiding from the camera now for 5 years, at least, the age of my 5th, and last child, my precious Cassandra.

The last picture I posed for was the day she was born, and I looked better then, the day after birthing her, than I do know…How Sad & Disgusting.

That’s My Story…and I Am Stickin’ To It!

Tamatha (Tami) Burrus
We Empower U

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